Chapter 8

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When we arrived at Faro airport, despite the circumstances, it was so refreshing to feel the warm sun, and the gentle breeze, enveloping me. I called the hospital, to let Angie know we had arrived and were on our way. Michael had organised a hire car, so we went to pick it up, then headed off on the short journey to the hospital, Particular do Algarve.

The second we parked the car, we ran to the reception to find where Jack was. we found Angie by the reception, just outside the ward, as soon as she saw us, she broke into tears and hugged us both equally. "Where's Dad, said Michael? Mum held onto Michael's hand and led us to his room. The room was small, with a tiny window, that let in minimal light. Contrary to what we were expecting though, Jack was propped up in bed, on two pillows, and gave us a reassuring smile as we entered. It was all too much really. We all burst into tears, whilst hugging Jack, and feeling relief, that he didn't look as sick as we had expected. After a few minutes, Jack said "come on now stop crying, everyone. Tell them, Angie, it's going to be ok.

Angie nodded through tears. "Yes, it is going to be ok". "Dad's heart attack was a mild one, so the Doctors have said, that although he will need to take beta blockers, apart from that, He just needs to take it easy, and carry on eating healthily, and maybe cutting down the amount of EXERCISE he's been doing. She jokingly frowned in Jacks direction. "Oh God," said Michael, I'm so glad". He started to choke up again. We were so worried, I was so scared, that we might not see you again, and we would get here too late! "Michael calm down", soothed Jack, I'm not going anywhere lad, at least not yet. Michael put his head on his dad's shoulder, and Jack just held him, just like he was a small boy. Angie and I looked at each other, tears of love and relief in our eyes.

The next few days were so special to us all. jack being his usual stubborn self, kept nagging whoever would listen, that it was ridiculous, for him to still be in the hospital, and that he wanted to be discharged. After the third day, and perhaps because the doctors were desperate to get rid of him, he was discharged, with drugs, prescription, and various guides, in English, on a healthy diet, which he didn't need, and a gentle exercise routine, which he did.

During the three days, I made numerous calls to Julie at home. Strangely Jessica seemed very distant when we spoke, and seemed keen to get back to whatever she was doing as soon as possible. Julie, however, reassured me that everything was going well and that Melissa, although sleepier than normal was well. I felt so grateful, that the kids were happy and safe. I didn't feel worried, although of course, I missed them both dreadfully. When we got Jack home, it was so wonderful to be with them, as we hadn't seen them for so long. We spent three more days together, catching up, about life, and the children. I hated to admit it, but being free, of responsibility, even for a short while was amazingly liberating. After Jack's heart attack, it made me think, that I hadn't spent much time in the last few years looking after myself. I looked at myself in the mirror, in the guest room at Jack and Angie's home, and realised that I looked dull and dowdy. I hadn't been to a hairdresser, or even worn much makeup since we had the children. I was twenty-four, but I looked sad and old. My hair lank, just flopping there, with no style, my skin pale and drawn. I thought I looked more like someone who had just got out of the hospital, more than Jack did. I was determined that I would try to do better when we got home, I mean I was amazed that Michael could even fancy me any more!

Living with jack and Angie, was so relaxing. Eating lots of fresh fruit and vegetables. Walking along the beautiful beach, and sitting in their beautiful Garden, well into the early hours, drinking wine, and Jack, sipping fruit juice and just relaxing. I had not realised how stressed I was, until luxuriating in the calming warm atmosphere of Jack and Anna's beloved Portugal. We knew we had to return home, and although it was tough to leave, it was a relief knowing that Michael's Dad was going to be ok and be with us for hopefully, a long time to come.

We all cried as we left Faro airport to head back home. Michael and I were determined, and told them so, that we would be coming back, as soon as we could, and bring Melissa and Jessica. Arriving back at Gatwick, we waited impatiently for our luggage. It was always frustrating, how long every procedure seemed to take when travelling abroad. Whilst waiting I decided to call Julie to let her know we were back in London. As soon as Julie picked up, there was a hesitancy in her voice, and I knew that something was wrong. "Julie I said is there something wrong? Rebecca, please don't be alarmed, there is nothing seriously wrong, it's just .......Melissa!
"What do you mean, I stammered, my stress levels rising, and my body temperature lowering to ice cold. "Melissa is ok now, but she had an allergic reaction. "A what"? I said. "A reaction to what exactly, and where is she? By now I sounded hysterical, and people were noticing and watching me. "She's safe, here Rebecca, at home". The Doctor says that Melissa had an allergic reaction to sunlight. "To what? I said, with a grunt of disbelief, and trying to make sense of it. "Melissa has never been allergic to sunlight". "What on earth are you talking about"? "Apparently, you can get an allergy, even if you've never experienced it before, she said almost pleadingly. "She's had some swelling but has been given antihistamines, and the doctor said, she would be ok in a couple of days. "Rebecca

I didn't tell you, as I didn't want to upset you". "You and Michael have been through enough". "You know what Julie, I said that really wasn't your call to make": "I am her Mother"! "Yes I know Julie said quietly, I should have let you know.

At this point Michael was heading towards me, with the cases, his face ashen. He, like everyone else in the bagging area, had heard my hysterical outburst. "Come on, said Michael, let's get home. "Julie I said, we are on our way, and without waiting for an answer, I slammed the phone down. Michael and I quickly went on our way, to the long stay car park to pick up the car. After we got in, we headed back home. Whilst driving back I tried to fill in the blanks, to Michael about the situation. "If it's just an allergy, why are you so angry Bex? "It sounds as though Melissa is ok, and I'm sure Julie knew it wasn't serious, or she would have tried to contact us. I could feel myself getting angry, stress levels rising again, this time with Michael, with all the calm relaxation of Portugal all but gone. I could see Michael, looking at me, strangely, his new slight tan fading before my eyes. I didn't see the point in carrying on the conversation, as we were almost home. I was the baddy again.

As we pulled up at the house Michael parked outside, not bothering to put it into the Garage. Julie was looking out of the window, waiting for us. She was there opening the door, with a nervous smile on her face. I raced to get in, but she stopped me by holding onto my shoulders with both hands and looked straight into my eyes. "Melissa is fine, really"! This action seemed to calm me somewhat, but I wasn't unaware of its patronising tone. She released me, as I tried to calmly walk into the house. I went straight to the living room where Jessica was eating, some fruit from her Sesame Street breakfast bowl. Hi, baby I said feeling a rush of love. Jessica looked up at me almost coldly, but then Jessica had always been one to make you suffer if you left her, for any length of time, so I wasn't surprised, upset or too disappointed.

Have you missed us? MMMMMM replied Jess in typical, I'm not letting you know I missed you. I turned to Julie "Melissa"! I said where is Melissa"? She's in bed having a nap, Julie said warmly. Michael was setting down the cases. Jessica ran out to him, and wrapped her arms around him, she covered him in kisses, whilst yelling "Daddy "Daddy". I wasn't too concerned by this blatant rejection, as Jessica was moody and adorable, though at times difficult. I left them to it, as I started moving up the stairs to see Melissa. The door of her room was pulled to, but not closed, so I slowly opened the door, not wanting to disturb her. As soon as I entered, there was an arched figure, bent backwards lying there, and if it wasn't for the flowing golden hair tumbling over the duvet cover, I wouldn't have known it was Melissa. I got closer to the head of the bed, and nearly fainted with shock. Melissa's face was unrecognisable. It was bloated and red. Her eyelids were so swollen, they covered her eyes. Her lips were protruding and puffy. "Oh God" My poor baby. I scooped her out of the bed and wrapped her in my arms, whilst checking for further swelling. It all seemed confined to her beautiful face. Julie, looking concerned suddenly appeared at the door. I can honestly say I had never

been angrier in my life. "I don't believe this", I bellowed. "When did this happen, and why do we only know now"? "Please, exclaimed a desperate sounding Julie, I didn't want to add to your stress. I knew she was going to be alright, there was no need in bothering you, as you were going through enough, but then I told you that on the phone. I ignored the sarcastic backlash. "I need to speak to the hospital, and Doctor Shah," I said. "I need him to tell me what happened here"?

Julie looked guilty. "Rebecca, I didn't take her to the hospital. I guessed it was just an allergic reaction, so I just took her to my own G.P. It is just a reaction, the swelling will go down within twenty-four hours, honestly"
Michael appeared nervously at the door and looked visibly shocked at the sight of our gorgeous girl. "What the fuck", he stammered. What's happened to her? Julie looked desperately at Michael. "Honestly, I was telling Rebecca, it is an allergic reaction, and nothing more". "She's not in any pain, and all the swelling will go down in a day or two"! Michael nodded in Julie's direction. "You must have had one hell of a shock Julie, said Michael, going over to me, and taking Melissa from my arms. He stroked her hair, and smiling at her he whispered "hey beautiful, have you been getting into fights while I've been away. He turned to Julie, and they both smiled slightly. "Fuck I thought, even now he's sticking up for her". "Lucky you've had Auntie Julie to look after you", and Michael, looked almost in thanks at Julie.

I nearly swallowed my own tongue with fury. "Lucky, "Lucky is she"! "Well God help her if she was unlucky". I was really losing it, and I knew it. I couldn't believe Michael wasn't as furious as me. "Come on Bex" Said Michael looking at me like I was a silly child, having a tantrum. Julie's said Melissa's going to be ok. "I mean, thank God she was here and didn't panic. "I mean, do you remember Bex, when you got that allergic reaction to shellfish in Rhodes, on our first holiday together? You looked just like, what Melissa looks like now! You spent two days crying in the hotel room, then the hotel doctor gave you a shot of antihistamine, and we were back on the beach the next day. You looked like shit, but you were ok being you?

I couldn't fathom how Michael, could find amusement in this situation and would stick up for Julie rather than his own wife. Julie was enjoying this, I was sure of it, and I was completely sure it wasn't my imagination. She had lit the fuse and stood back to watch the fireworks. Her simpering look belied her pure enjoyment of the show!

Suddenly Julie started crying. I rolled my eyes. "Oh God Bex," said Michael full of concern, "now look!" Michael looked at me accusingly. "You are overwrought and tired Bex, and you're getting upset for nothing. Please don't cry Julie" he said, gingerly, putting his arm around her bony shoulder's. At that moment I could have put my hands around her scrawny neck and throttled her. Really this was too much for me. To be honest, deep down I was starting to feel ridiculous, and outnumbered. Was I really overreacting? If so, what the hell was the matter with me?

Trying to think logically I thought that Melissa's attack could have in no way been Julie's fault. How would someone even know how to do something like this,

and the major question I asked myself was, why would anyone want to do this? I knew I was being really stupid, but I still felt strongly that Julie was wrong in not telling us, and I was furious that Michael, so quickly took her side over mine.
I took Melissa back from Michael, in as calm a fashion as I could, and walked out of the door. I grabbed my keys to the people carrier and fled out of the house. I opened the car, and as gently as I could, put Melissa, with into Jessica's car seat, and drove off swiftly. I was suddenly feeling tired and tearful. Maybe it was just tiredness I thought, as I drove, having no real idea of exactly where I was going. I realised I had made a mistake, by putting Melissa in Jessica's car seat, instead of bringing her in her wheelchair. It wasn't adapted to her, which was obvious as Melissa arched her body in discomfort and annoyance. "I'm sorry" Melissa I cried, feeling the tears fall, I just had to get away from that woman. "No one understands", I said out loud to myself. "Oh god, I don't think I understand".

I drove on for about 10 minutes, not thinking of my direction, or destination, but found myself driving down Canon Street, where Suki Kaur lived. I drove slowly along the quiet, beautiful tree-lined street. The large houses were all a mock Tudor, which was not very Suki at all, but the house had been bought and adapted to Ramon's very special needs when Suki had been married to Rajesh. Although Suki was divorced from her husband, who was a very successful clinical Psychiatrist, Suki had done well in the divorce settlement. To be honest, Rajesh, whom I had met on a few occasions, seemed like a nice enough guy. Their divorce had not been a bitter one, although both sides of their Muslim families did not take the divorce well, Suki and Rajesh were determined to make it amicable. This was I think, especially as they had Ramon to think of, and I felt from conversations with Suki, that although Rajesh never admitted it, he had found it very difficult to cope with Ramon's disabilities, especially early on. It seriously affected the marriage, and also as even Suki admitted, after having Ramon, she had no time for anyone else. He was her life, but both her and Rajesh had managed to forge a good friendship. Suki and Rajesh often came together for various school functions. Despite Rajesh's difficulties, initially coping with Ramon, he was now incredibly proud of his son. Ramon, although, unable to communicate verbally, had learned to use a customised computer monitor with a joystick attached near his chin so he could work the keyboard to speak. Ramon was extremely intelligent, and although sometimes moody, and with a giant chip on his shoulder, which often looked more like arrogance. He was aware of his own immense intellectual abilities, trapped in his excess of inabilities. The irony was not lost on him, and occasionally, his anger overflowed, and mostly the brunt of his anger centred on Suki. Of course, she understood and took no notice of his frustrations. I once heard her say loudly, "once you've finished your Angelica Pickles moment" a spoilt cartoon character from Rugrats, "let me know if you'd like any dinner, and with a dismissive wave of a hand she swished and swayed, in her flowing sari, into the kitchen. She was an admirable woman, with an extraordinary son. When Ramon was in a mood, everyone knew it, however, he also had a cheeky sense of humour, and an ability to sense the uncomfortable feelings of others in relation to his disability.

Sometimes I cringed, at how he could embarrass others so acutely, without uttering one word from his lips.
Eventually, I pulled up outside Suki's home. I turned off the car engine. For a moment I just sat there, not sure what to do. Melissa still furious and full of indignation, of not being in her own chair, arched and spluttered in rebuke. Trying to think, what I was doing there, and why, I still found myself walking up the flower-lined path, to the large, black, ultra-glossed front door. Up close the house looked imposing, screaming, money at me. I gently rang the doorbell. There was no immediate answer. Almost relieved I started walking back down the pathway, and eventually back home, to probably grovel and end up apologising for my behaviour, once again. I was halfway down, and almost at the car, as the front door opened and a rattled, and frazzled looking Suki, appeared, wearing a comic relief apron, and wiping her flour-covered hands on a tea towel. The rest of it looked like it had been wiped on her hair too. She looked surprised to see me but smiled warmly. I turned and moved faster, as I carried on in the direction of the car. "Bex, wait" cried Suki, as she hurried towards me, sorry I couldn't get to the door quicker, I've been baking for Ramon's school, and I'm covered in Betty Crocker. She started laughing, but all I could hear was crying. It took a few seconds to realise, that the crying was me. Suki put her arms around me, engulfing me in cake mix. "Bex, my god what's happened"? She had looked over my shoulder, seeing Melissa in the car seat. She was shocked at Melissa's appearance but didn't comment on it. "Ok she said firmly, give me the car keys, go in the house, now and I'll bring in Melissa!" I had no strength to argue.

I slowly entered Suki's Home. I entered a large but airy vestibule area, with floor to ceiling frosted windows, and beautiful thick curtains, in various shades of gold, with elephants on them. Even before I entered the main hallway of the house, I could smell the baking, Suki had alluded to. It was glorious, and reminded me so much of being a child, and how Mum and I would bake glorious cakes, and bread together at the weekends. The wonderful aroma made me miss her, like this kind of reminders always did.

The house was mostly open plan, and the main focus, of the large imposing hall, was a stunning balcony. With a sweeping "Tara" like staircase. There was a crystal chandelier, hanging from the middle of the ceiling, the light, was supremely Suki. It was covered in crystals of every colour. I had occasionally seen it on a sunny day, and the colours it produced, in every direction made me feel the excitement of a child, entering a magical world. It really was spectacular. Despite the eccentric opulence, the house was very homely, with nick-nacks scattered all over the place. On a sideboard, I noted ornaments that ranged from a Chinese waving cat to an art deco statue. The paintings on the walls were all abstract. All different, some painted by Suki, others not. I wasn't very versed in art, but I liked them anyway. It could have been pretentious, but it wasn't. I remembered the living room was on the left-hand side. I slowly walked into it. Everything was a mish- mash of styles, Just like Suki. I found my way and walked past various pictures of Ramon, which I remember her once saying jokingly, you know I'm off to hell for

these pictures, but I'm damned if anyone will stop me putting pictures of my own son on the wall. She explained later that this was because human pictures or statues, were not allowed in Muslim homes, the reason being about loving the virtues, and the essence of a person, and not their physical likeness. There were also various baskets full of half-finished items, from projects that Suki had either crochet or knitted. Suki was extremely creative. There were various handicapped aids for Ramon, dotted around. Some helpful and some not. There was of course much electronic equipment. It was actually quite untidy, which made her home even more cosy, so homely that the untidiness didn't matter.

I was feeling like the orphan that I was, and utterly alone, I sat in Suki's plump, comfortable multi-coloured sofa which could never have been found, at the local branch of DFS. I soon became aware of Suki's warm sunny voice chattering a mile a minute. She entered the living room with Melissa, relaxed in her arms. "Well she exclaimed, how are we to get you, comfy young lady". This was obviously a rhetorical question, as she started adjusting the large fur bean bag, near the sofa. She spent a while adjusting and plumping, till Melissa stopped arching her back, in spasmodic annoyance, and began settling down, enveloped in, grey, white and brown wolf fake fur. "There you go said Suki feeling satisfied, now do you want tea or coffee, Bex"? "Coffee please I whispered, feeling silly for bothering her. Ok she smiled, and now you're here you have to try the organic, no sugar banana butterfly cakes I've made. I better test them on you first, I don't want to kill the whole school in one go. "I thought you said it was Betty Crocker, I said matter of factly. "Well yes she said, these are my own version, inspired through the genius of Ms Crocker! Even in my sorry state, I couldn't help laughing. "Well I don't mind I said, and, to be honest, I'd be quite happy to be knocked off by one of your cakes, at the moment. We both laughed uncomfortably. "Well you get comfy and I'll get us something to eat, then we can have a chat, and Suki disappeared and busied herself with making the coffees. I sat in numb silence, but, with the smell of the freshly brewed coffee, now mixing with the wonderful baking smells, I realised I was starving. After not too long, Suki wheeled in an old-fashioned, but large two- tier, trolley. I imagined a very rich old lady would have once owned this trolley, in the thirties maybe. It was laden with fresh coffee in a bright blue cafeteire, and a selection of beautiful cakes, sat on very art Deco style plates, all with different designs. Knowing Suki, they would have been all searched, and bought with love, from the antique markets, she loved to frequent. It all looked so lovely, I was so glad I had come. Deftly Suki Played, being "Mother", and added cream and sugar to our cups, "one, spoon for you she smiled, and three for me, to add to my ample backside! We both laughed a little too loudly, disturbing the sleeping Melissa. Melissa frowned at the disturbance, stretched out then flopped back down, back into delightful sleep. She popped two cakes on one of the smaller plates and put this beside my steaming cup of coffee. She took one cake for herself, then looking up at me she said slowly, so now Bex Schaffer, I need you to tell me everything. I don't know how long I talked, an hour, maybe two, all I remember really were, eating the amazing cakes Suki had made, and the calming sounds of Melissa

snoring gently on the beanbag, close, and safe beside us. After a long while, I stopped talking, there were, a few minutes where nothing was said, and Suki looked intently at me, seemingly trying to assimilate everything I had told her. I was the one who broke the silence. "You think I'm crazy don't you"? Of course, she would think that. Michael obviously did.

"Crazy," said Suki looking surprised, and I realised sounding a little angry. "To be honest, she carried on, I'm amazed you have allowed that woman to stay in your house, as long as you have"! One thing you and I have learnt, Bex, in having handicapped children, is that we have had to use our other senses and instincts more, if we weren't attuned to them, and listened to the bullshit of so-called experts how would we ever be able to communicate with our children. "Look, even if there was no ill intent from this "Julie", your instincts and feelings about her, should be enough for you not to have her in your house, for one more minute! I can't deny I was ecstatic someone believed me. "Look said Suki you don't have to do anything now if you don't want to, but whatever you decide, it's your decision. No one else's. "One thing I would say though is don't be too angry at Michael". "Remember he's not the one who has to stay at home with Julie". "He doesn't know her in the way you do, also he's a man, and men are idiots"! Again we were laughing. "Whatever you are feeling Bex. Confused, unsure, guilty". "It doesn't matter if your suspicions are fact or fiction". "This woman does not make you feel good". "If it feels wrong to you, you're allowed to feel that way. "She is in your house". "You are her boss", "so if it's not working out, it's time to say goodbye". "She's not the only caregiver on the agency's books, I'm assuming, so just find someone else, period".

I hadn't felt this relaxed in ages. All the anger seemed to have left me, and the wise words of Suki, made me realise, I had to get rid of Julie from our lives, and the sooner the better. Suki and I chatted a while longer, before Melissa, having risen from her sleep, was, with her body language showing me that it was time to go. Suki bent over the beanbag and lifted Melissa up, and cradling her in her arms exclaimed! "Melissa Schaffer, you are the bossiest child I have ever met"! Melissa grimaced as if she understood she was being reprimanded. "You know, said Suki, this child, is more than she seems to be". "She's an old soul". "Don't ever let anyone convince you otherwise Bex". "There is something very special about this little girl". "I know, I almost whispered in reply "I know.