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Chapter 5
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The day The Hate came I was in my Special Place, but I was struggling to ignore the danger surrounding The Love! I felt the darkness cloaked in loving words. A smell that I'd never experienced before enveloped me. I didn't want to come back, but I knew the people I loved were in danger, but how could I help? I knew nothing I said, could be heard or understood in Mummy's world!
Sadly, The Hate didn't leave. It seemed now to be a part of our lives. I couldn't understand when I heard The Love laughing with The Hate! Couldn't she feel it? The hate didn't hurt me, (at first), she looked after me. She bathed me and washed my hair, and spoke kindly to me. The Hate loved Jessica, but that love was something alien to The Love that I knew? She would hug Jessica so hard that I would hear Jessica cry "let me go". "I want Mummy".
For a long time, life held a familiar pattern, The Hate would come every day. She would look after us, and play. She took me to the noisy place with mummy, where the doctors would talk, and an annoying woman would do strange things to my body that I did not like or appreciate. I think they called it physiotherapy. What it was supposed to achieve I have no idea. I don't think even The Love felt it really helped me. I remember once she whispered to me, "Don't worry my angel we will finish with this crap soon".
To be honest The Love seemed happier than she had for a long time. When she laughed there was a freedom in her I hadn't heard before. She seemed less tired, and she took us out to places, that held no interest to me at all, but I could tell Jessica was having fun, and so it made it worth the physical discomfort. I could always, of course, go to the "Special Place", but I was still aware that the people I loved were in danger and obviously were unaware that The Hate was just biding her time.
As each day came I could feel The Hate's loathing for my Mummy increase. How could The Love not understand? How could I tell her that for every kind word, for every seemingly caring act, was just a cover for The Hate! I had to spend less time
"there", and more time here, and listen, as listening was all I could do to protect The Love.
As I did not understand about time, and how long things took, I was unaware of how long The Hate had been with us? One of the most troubling times for me on this side, was when for some reason Mummy was not there. I was surrounded by The Hate, it was everywhere! There was no love. I wasn't frightened of The Hate, but I did spend most of the time with "my special people". It was only when I felt the kind of stabbing physical pain that I usually found when I went to the place where there were many sounds, and where there seemed to lots of voices, all talking at the same time. This time I felt my body doing strange things that I could not understand. There were others around, The Hate, who was making a fuss in front of people, as I could hear them telling her not to worry. That Melissa would be all right, and that it wasn't her fault, and that she was a wonderful carer. I heard the loud sounds that were almost deafening. I could hear The Hate crying, but I knew the cries were lies. She was enjoying for some reason, all the people telling her how kind and good she was. She sounded like she was crying, however, inside she was smiling!
I remember, later I knew I was back, where love was. Mummy was back. She was crying, but she was also angry, and for the first time, she was angry with The Hate. I was back to where The Love was. For a while, I hoped that maybe that was the last of the danger. Sadly, I was wrong. The Hate remained!
Chapter 6
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For the next few months' life went on in a much happier light. Julie seemed to love both the girls equally and encouraged me to get out more on my own, which I wasn't used to. I saw more of Suki, and our friendship began to grow deeper, and more meaningful. I began to trust Julie with the girls, and so I went out, often just a bit of shopping. To suddenly have a little time to myself, was something I felt very grateful for. She also would offer to babysit in the evenings so Michael and I could go out together for dinner or a movie. We were having "date nights". We actually started to feel like normal people again. We laughed more, had sex more, and generally, it was felt by all that Julie was a real godsend. If Michael and I went out, Julie helped me pick a dress, and jewellery, although, I'd given up on fashion a long time ago, and a lot of my clothes were looking dated. Julie would pick out something for me and say, "Well this is the best, out of a bad lot. I couldn't help
but laugh and didn't feel she ever said anything intentionally to hurt me. I had never really had much Jewellery either, so usually, I would wear my necklace that my mother had bought me. I wasn't bothered about having lots of jewellery, and besides, it was always my favourite. Of course, there were the odd times where, I felt Julie was overstepping the mark, and being slightly controlling. She would often do things without asking me first.
On a few occasions, she would take the girls to her house, in Hythe, which was quite a drive away, without asking me. Sometimes I would come back from shopping to find a note telling me where she had taken the girls, and when she would be back. Another instance that stands out was when I was having a meeting at the house with some of the medical experts, to discuss Melissa and her progress. These meetings were always a bit stressful for me, especially, as I never really approved or agreed with what they had to say about Melissa. I was usually too polite to argue with them though. I mean most people would feel intimidated with one Consultant in the house, never mind four or five! On that morning particularly, Julie turned up in Horse riding clothes and blustered through the house, ushering Jessica to change her clothes as they were going horse riding. I knew it seemed a little ungracious, as she was, after all, taking Jessica out for a fun day, and at her own expense. I just felt she should have asked me first, and I told her so, a little bit more forcefully than I meant to, probably because of the stress I felt that morning. Her attitude was to become very cold, and I have to admit the look she gave me, made me surprised, and not a little well.......... Scared!
I now found myself feeling very guilty, and apologising profusely. "How stupid of me". "Of course, you can go horse-riding". I was still getting the cold shoulder, as she replied. "You're in charge of course, but I thought I was doing you a favour, and that it would help you, but if you don't want Jessica to go horse-riding?
Jessica looked at me in despair, her bottom lip trembling. "No, of course, you can take her I said, feeling like the wicked Queen. "You are helping me; I can't believe I made such a fuss". "I'm sorry". I was tied in knots, as the dirty looks from them both made me blush ferociously with embarrassment. I could see her noticing this, but instead of helping, she just stared even harder. "Well if you're sure," she said finally. "I don't want to push my boundaries as the hired help! "No No", I said alarmed, "I would never consider you as the hired help, you are our friend. "Please Julie, forget what I said earlier". "I really didn't mean it! Her cool eyes bored into me, increasing the colour in my already red face. Suddenly, she took Jessica's hand and announced "we'll be back before five," and off they went.
Later that evening I cringed, as I related the story back to Michael. "No wonder she was annoyed" He announced in a mocking tone". "I would be furious as well if someone offered to take my child horse riding. "What a Bitch". "Very funny", I replied with an embarrassed smile. Michael carried on, "let's face it, Bex, you were saying the night before, that you were worried that Jessica would get bored, and start to misbehave with all the doctors here". "I know I said that," now feeling even more like the most ungrateful bitch ever.
Michael laughed and gave my arm a gentle squeeze. "Don't feel so bad Baby he said, you can't turn off your feelings just like that. He gave me a wink. I threw a toothpick at him, and I realised, what a fool I was, and how much I loved him. Thankfully the next day Julie acted like nothing had happened, which I was grateful for. Michael and I had arranged to go to an Elton John Concert, at the weekend, and we were buzzing with excitement. We were both fans, but Michael wasn't far off being a super fan. He had every album. He often sourced out special imports, and thankfully, when it came to buying presents for him, which was always difficult, I always knew that something connected to Elton, would ensure, a very happy husband.
Julie would be babysitting of course. When Saturday came It was fun dressing up, for a change, and I'd decided, as usual, I was going to wear my rose quartz pendant that my mother, gave me. Even though she was so unwell at the time, she, with help from a close friend, had chosen and bought me this special gift for my Eighteenth Birthday. It was so special to me, at the time, and as she was so ill I hadn't really expected anything from her. I cried when she gave it to me. "Oh Mum," I said through tears, "you really shouldn't have. This is too much” I remember Mum laughing, and in a croaky voice said: "Do you honestly think I would let this special day go by, without getting you something". My mother and I knew it would potentially be the last birthday celebration, we would have together. I always had the belief, that even after her death, that if I wore it when I did something special, somehow, she would be there, and enjoy it with me!
As I opened my black and gold highly polished jewellery box, a loved QVC purchase, I lifted out the velvet lined inner boxes holding a few treasured, and not so treasured items. I picked out the velvet pouch that I always kept the necklace in, and put my two fingers in to prize out the necklace... I felt nothing! The necklace wasn't in there? It must have dropped out of the pouch I thought, so I started digging. With each touch, I became more and more panicked. It must be here somewhere? I felt tears pricking my eyes, as my anxiety, panic and fear grew by the second. By now I was throwing everything from the box onto my bed. I wasn't just crying now, I was sobbing hysterically, so much so, that Michael ran into the bedroom with a more than worried look on his face. "What's happened"? I was in such a state, I don't think Michael understood half of my ranting's, I must have sounded like a mad woman! Eventually, I managed to make sense enough to explain to Michael, that my necklace had disappeared. He was panicked enough himself, to start going through the same searching techniques as me. Eventually, without success on either side, he grabbed my shoulders and started kissing my face. "Its ok baby, "we'll find it. You must have just not put it back the last time you wore it". "No, I sobbed I always put it away, back in its pouch,". "Always". Eventually, we both sat on the edge of the bed, Michael hugging me until I stopped crying, and my breathing went somewhere back to normal. It's going to be ok said, Michael. Don't worry about it. I promise we will find it. At that moment Julie appeared in the doorway looking concerned." Is everything ok Rebecca"? "It's ok", said Michael, for me. Bex has just misplaced a piece of jewellery her Mum gave
her." But its ok we will find it". "We haven't found it" I barked. "It's missing. Someone must have taken It! "No Bex that's impossible," he said. Looking at Julie, in an apologetic manner, as if I had already blamed her. "Please Julie, when we are out, could you please take a look around the house for it? Maybe Jessica took it without meaning too. "Out" I spluttered "I can't go out! Not now!" Julie piped up: "Of course you have got to go out, you've been looking forward to this concert for months". Look when you are out I will look around the bedroom just in case. I'll look everywhere, including Jessica's room, and her cot". "I'm sure it's not far away Julie said reassuringly. I really didn't want to go, but I couldn't let Michael down. I looked up at her, tried to pull myself together, just managing to produce a weak smile. "Thank you, Julie, that's good of you".
I lowered my head again as Michael said, "yes thanks Julie that would be good of you". I managed to get up and try to adjust my old dress, that now was not only old but wrinkled as well. I quickly checked myself in the mirror. I looked a complete sight. Looking at myself, almost made me want to start crying again. With a tissue, I wiped the mascara from off my face and added some more lipstick. Using my hands, I tried to flatten my hair, that now wouldn't have looked out of place on Worzel Gummage's head. I turned towards the door. Julie was in the hall, and Michael in the doorway. I put on a fake smile and walked out of our room. Michael took my hand and we started to walk downstairs. I remember thinking where on earth are you necklace? and as I did, it made me turn around, to have one last look. As I turned and looked up the stairs. Julie was turning away, so I could only really see that one side of her face was visible, despite that, however, I thought for one fleeting moment, that I could detect a faint, but obvious smirk on her face!
The Elton John concert came and went in a blur. I was trying not to let the loss of my pendant upset the evening, but it was impossible. I spent most of the evening racking my brain to try and think of the last time I had worn my necklace, and where I could have put it. Beyond this, but just as uppermost in my thoughts, I just kept thinking of seeing Julie's face, real or imagined, and that "smirk", I thought I saw on her face. Surely I was imagining things? She was a friend. On the way home in the car, Michael was pumped with excitement after the concert. He was chatting away excitedly when I found myself just blurting out "Julie smiled as we left the house tonight"! "Well she's allowed to smile isn't she", said Michael, then carrying on with his chatter. "That's not what I meant I said feeling irritated. "So, what do you mean Bex", he asked in a measured tone. "What I mean is that when we're leaving the house, I turned around and I saw a definite smirk on her face". "What stuttered Michael"? He turned briefly to look at me. "What?". He repeated! "When we were going down the stairs after losing my necklace, she smiled when she thought I wasn't looking"! Michael was looking ahead and made a sort of a cough or laugh. "Bex, he said in a tone, most common in television shows, when someone is talking to a lunatic. "There's no way Julie was smiling. "Why would she"? "Exactly", I replied. "Bex, Julie was as upset as we were. Why on earth would you say this?"
Hearing Michael, I was beginning to feel embarrassed and stupid. Why had I blurted that out? Why didn't I keep quiet? "Michael,” I said desperate to defend myself, “I'm sure she did" I was starting to stutter, feeling silly (again). "Bex, you know this sounds insane, don't you? Julie has done so much for us. She loves the kids, and I thought she was a good friend to you, why are you saying such nasty things about her.” He paused for a moment. "I mean, Bex when it happened, you as good as accused her of stealing the necklace." "No, I didn't", I said affronted. "Well, that's what it sounded like." "If it did, I never meant it," I said. "That was never my intention". "Yes, I know she has been a great help to us". "I'm not for a minute saying I'm not grateful ", but something is not right, I just feel it! "Look, Bex, Michael said patronisingly, I know Julie has been great with us, but it doesn't mean that she's better at looking after Melissa and Jessica than you. Remember you are their mother, nothing can change that".
"My God," I thought, he thinks I'm jealous of her! "It's got nothing to do with it" I cried a little too hysterically. I'm not jealous of Julie, I'm just.... well, I'm just, oh shit forget it". "Bex". "Michael", I said, "forget it".
We travelled the rest of the journey in silence. On arriving home, I brushed past the waiting Julie and went straight up to my room. The jewellery still lay scattered on the bed. I picked it up and threw it into the jewellery box, feeling utterly miserable. I changed quickly and went to bed. It was a long time before Michael came to join me. He settled beside me. After a few minutes, he touched my shoulder gently and whispered. "Bex, can we talk"? I pretended to be asleep. I was feeling angry and foolish enough!
I lay there for a long time, feeling more and more annoyed with myself. How could I have thought such things about Julie? She was my friend. Could it be true that I was jealous of her? "NO" I knew one thing, whatever I had misunderstood, I was not jealous, I was grateful. I had made a mistake, I know, but I just needed to move on and not be so sensitive.
The next day when I woke up, Michael was gone. He had left early to avoid me, and to be honest a part of me was relieved. Julie turned up at her usual time, and pottered around, fussing over the girls, and making tea. I was just feeding Melissa (a long and laborious task) when Julie appeared with Jessica.
Rebecca, she said brightly, I'm just taking Jessica into town to get some bits and bobs, is there anything you need. Here we go again I thought! She's doing things without asking me first. I also felt she was starting to forget, that she was being paid for, to care for Melissa. I sighed and looked towards Jessica. "Do you want to go out with Julie? I asked as good-naturedly as I could. Jessica pulled a face, and exclaimed! "No want to stay with mummy". Julie shot an annoyed look at Jessica and said in a more clipped tone. "Of course, you want to come out". "We could get you a new dress". "Don't like dresses", said Jessica pulling away from Julie and snuggling next to me and Melissa. I can't deny there was a part of me that felt a river of pleasure at Julie's obvious discomfort, at the rejection. "Well, I said flatly maybe another time then". "Yes, ok said Julie through tight lips. I'll just get on my way then. "I'm only going into town for a short while". "I won't be long". Julie was
smiling, yet despite the calm look on her face, the flashing red welts that appeared searing her neck told me a different story.
I think after the Elton John concert, there was a definite shift in my connection with Julie. There was a change in the way I looked at her relationship with myself and the children.
I found myself watching her more closely than before. I trusted her less, and I think she knew it! Situations between us were becoming more strained, even though I was aware that I didn't really know why I mistrusted her? Was I being a Bitch? Did I really have any concrete evidence that there was something wrong? No, I didn't. I didn't, but I just felt deep inside me that I could not trust her, and maybe I just needed to watch, to see, to understand, and feel why it was that suddenly she felt like the smiling enemy.
I don't know if Julie felt my changing feelings, but there was definitely a prickly air between us. I always felt she was holding her feelings back! Another more unsettling feeling though was that I felt that she didn't actually like me. About a month after the necklace incident, which still hadn't been found, despite hours of searching the house, from top to bottom, I got a call from Michael. As soon as I answered the phone, I knew something was wrong. His Father, Jack had had a heart attack! This was a bolt out of the blue. Michael's father was one of the fittest people I knew. Michaels parents had moved to Portugal about three years ago when Jack retired early at 55 and decided to "live the dream". They sold up, lock stock and barrel and had moved to a converted farmhouse, overlooking the beautiful scenery of the Algarve.
Michael's Dad had no intention of taking life easy, however, he worked out every day. He hiked, ran, used his bike for transport, and spent the rest of the time with Angie, Michaels Mother, playing golf and cooking fresh healthy foods. I hadn't got to know them very well before Michael and me married, but we all got on well from the beginning, and I could tell with satisfaction, that they approved of me. I think there were relieved also, as Michael, had not had a long history of dating, so they were happy he was settled before they left the U.K. In Portugal Jack's health regime would put most people half his age to shame. Sadly, we hadn't seen much of them since they had moved, mostly this was due to the difficulties of transporting Melissa, anywhere, never mind abroad. Not that I had considered it much. Travelling was a nightmare anyway, "I have to go to Portugal today" explained Michael, trying to hold himself together, I could feel though, he was on the point of breaking! I need you to come to Bex!
"Michael I can't," I said perhaps a little too quickly. "You know I can't leave Melissa" "Please" pleaded Michael. "Ask Julie If she can look after the children?" "No" I almost shouted down the phone! I realised how this must have sounded to Michael. "I'm sorry Michael, of course, I want to come, but we don't know how long we would need to be there, and we can't expect Julie to look after the girls, 24/7." "Okay," said Michael sounding dejected, "I understand. I've just got to come home and pack. I'll be home in about half an hour." I put the phone down, consumed with guilt. I suddenly realised Julie was standing by the door. "What's
happened," she said slowly. Through tears, I explained the situation. "But you have to go," she said in an almost accusatory tone. "Michael obviously needs you. I'm more than happy to look after the girls. I promise I will talk to you every day, and let you know how the girls are? you could call every evening". "No....... "I don't know, no I don't want to leave Melissa", and It's not fair on you" I lied.
I wish I had the guts to say what I really felt. I just felt like screaming I don't want you near my fucking kids. I was amazed at my own ignorant mistrust of someone who had only ever done good things for us.
I looked directly at Julie and saw not just disappointment, but hurt in her eyes. "It's not that I don't trust you with the girls" I found myself saying, but I realised this was just what I was saying. I flopped on to the sofa, sad and confused. Julie sat beside me and put her arms around me. "It's okay," she said gently, "I understand completely, you not wanting to leave the girls. but it will be okay, I promise. You must go, Michael needs you." With tears blurring my vision I nodded, and leaned into Julie, just like I used to with my Mother. I felt that perhaps I'd been wrong about Julie all the time. What an idiot I was. "Are you sure?" I said? "Of course, I am," she said in a motherly tone. You start packing and I will look after everything here.
When Michael came home, he fell into my arms with relief, when I told him I was coming to Portugal with him. I talked to Jessica, and told her, as simply, as you can to a two-year-old that we were off to see Grandad, who was ill in hospital, and we were just going to make sure he was alright. Jessica looked confused. "me come Mummy"? "No baby, not this time, but we will be back soon."
I picked up Melissa, and I cradled her in my arms, smelling her fresh vanilla scent. "Mummy and Daddy will be home soon my angel" Melissa, as usual, showed no response, other than a slight stretch, and a bodily spasm twitch. "Auntie Julie will look after you, and we will be back soon."
Julie appeared in front of me. Looking towards Jessica "You know what" she said in a "come on let's go" fashion, why don't we go upstairs and have a bath, with all your toys? Jessica didn't seem so sure. In a grumpy tone, she said "Grover too? "Well, said Julie with hands on hips, Grover will have to sit on the side of the bath, or he'll get wet. Is that ok? Jessica scowled but nodded. "Come on then" enthused Julie, "let's go" Jessica grabbed her beloved Grover, and ran like the wind up the stairs. Julie gently took Melissa from my arms and headed towards the door. She turned back, and with a smile, said "off you go. Everything is going to be alright". I Smiled back, and I truly believed her. How wrong I was!